


Calming storms

by syusuke



Series: snippets original [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Choking, Coping, Dissociation, Gen, In Public, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Shame, Trust, helpful coworkers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9150505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syusuke/pseuds/syusuke
Summary: It hurts. I can’t breathe. Everything closes in, the walls move closer, the pressure threatens to suffocate me. It hurts. It hurts!Please, stop! Stop! I’ll do anything stop!





	

It hurts. I can’t breathe. Everything closes in, the walls move closer, the pressure threatens to suffocate me. It hurts. It hurts!

Please, stop! Stop! I’ll do anything stop!

 

I know I’m panicking, I know I need to calm down. But I can’t. It’s all too much. I was surprised by the panic attack. I didn’t see it coming. Everything had been fine. We were celebrating the new year. It was all fun and giggles. 

 

Now I’m in this pityful state again. Crying hot tears, screaming in desperation, curled up in a ball. My hands clutching at my chest, trying to get the clothing off. It feels like I’m suffocating. My surroundings are lost to me. All I know, all I can perceive is this overwhelming panic. I’m shaking, my vision is all blurred. I don’t know what to do! I’m gasping for air, but I can’t get enough. The world starts spinning around me. I feel like I’m falling and falling… afraid of the impact.

 

But instead of that I was caught. Warmth engulfed me, my feet felt solid ground beneath them. I knew the difference between up and down again. I wasn’t falling anymore. I still couldn’t breathe right, but at least I wasn’t falling.

“I’m sorry about this.”

I hardly recognized the words. Then something interrupted my air supply. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even gasp for air anymore. Suddenly the pressure was gone. I took a big gulp of air. Finally feeling like I got a good amount. Then the pressure was there again, forcing the air out of me again. But it left a few short seconds later, letting me breathe properly again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know anything else. Please, this has to work.”

I found a weak grip on my mind again. Trying my best to reign in my emotions, trying to ground myself using the five senses. Touch, warmth on my back, solid ground under my feet. Smell, beer, cold smoke, spruce wood. Hearing, someone apologizing, angry voices, fireworks. My head was getting clearer. I tried to focus my vision. It was still blurred and dizzy. I saw blinding lights, a blue jacket.

 

“Please, Sweetie. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m here. Look at me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t.. I didn’t hurt you, right? Please, talk to me.”

 

My tongue felt heavy as lead. I tried anyway: “S fine. Where? What happened?”

“Oh dear god. We’re at the company party. It’s New Years Eve. I don’t know… Susan came to get me, when you started screaming. Everyone’s really concerned. I.. uhm where’s Nicole? She should know. Can you get up? No wait, I’ll carry you. There’s an office back there.”

 

I wanted to ask more, wanted to know what exactly happened. But I was exhausted and I knew this man. He was a co-worker, always kind and caring. Scott, it was Scott. He lifted me up, then I felt it. I remembered! My left sleeve had a big tear in it, my arm had been exposed. Fortunately I didn’t have to hide it, since it was covered underneath Scott’s jacket.

 

The rest of the night is foggy in my memories. I remember crying in Scott’s arm. I remember him rocking me gently and murmuring reassuring things. I remember Nicole telling me no one saw my arm, except her and Scott. They were swearing they wouldn’t tell anyone. Nicole promised to calm everyone down and Scott eventually took me home with him. I remember soft blankets and hot tea.

 

Now it’s morning. I’m lying in a comfy bed, still in yesterdays clothes, but under a fluffy blanket. In a chair next to me is Scott, fast asleep. My cell phone is on the night stand and I can feel a knot forming in my stomach. I unlock it and there are lots of messages. I dread them, but I have to know. I need to know… but what if they don’t understand? What if they’re judging me for being weak? I’ve never had an attack in such a public place. I put the phone down again. What if I can’t face them? Do I have to look for a new job? I really like it here though… I don’t want to leave.

 

“Hey, how are you? Do you need something?”

I look up slowly, still ashamed. But Scott’s warm brown eyes promise sympathy and patience. Maybe I don’t have to leave.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t take the choking as advice or anything. It is something that helps me personally. I don’t know anyone else who uses this coping mechanism and it requires absolute trust in whoever helps you with it. 
> 
> However the logic behind it, is that when you start hyperventilating, the problem is that you have too much CO2 in your system and by frantically trying to breathe in you only make it worse, since you breathe out as little as possible. You do have enough oxygen, no problem there. But the extensive amount of CO2 makes you dizzy and you’ll eventually faint. This isn’t exactly a bad thing. By fainting your body takes over control and regulates your breathing itself. So if you ever see someone hyperventilating and you can’t calm them down, keep in mind that fainting isn’t a bad thing. Just make sure you catch them, so they can’t get injured by falling.
> 
> The arm... I didn't explain that, did I? Feel free to make up your own reason why it bothers our protagonist to have it exposed. I certainly have one, but it might be better if you find your own. After all I want you to feel as much like the protagonist as possible.
> 
> If you want to, you can follow me on tumblr on: http://syusukewrites.tumblr.com/


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